Amsterdam
by sinuk
Summary: Johanna is skeptical about Katniss returning to 12 alone. It's been announced that Peeta will never return to the boy he was during the Games. He's fallen in love with Delly Cartwright, and Katniss is devastated. With her emotions spiraling out of control, she and Johanna return to District 12. Rating for some language. One-shot songfic.


**_Synopsis:_ **Johanna is skeptical about Katniss returning to District 12 alone. After months of waiting, it's been reported that Peeta will never feel the same way about Katniss again. During his time in District 13, he has fallen in love with Delly Cartwright. Katniss is devastated. With the physical loss of Prim and now the emotional loss of Peeta, her emotions are spiraling out of control but she allows Johanna to return with her to District 12. Songfic. One-shot.

**The Hunger Games and all characters belong to Suzanne Collins. The lyrics to this song belong to Coldplay, Capitol, and Parlophone Records. I do not own anything.**

**I wrote this out of nowhere last night. Katniss and Johanna's relationship had always seemed interesting to me, so I decided to write something. I hope you enjoy.**

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_Come on, oh my star is fading _  
_And I swerve out of control_  
_If I, if I'd only waited_  
_I'd not be stuck here in this hole_

_Come here, oh my star is fading_  
_And I swerve out of control_  
_And I swear, I waited and waited_  
_I've got to get out of this hole_

**Johanna's POV**

I thought it was getting better for her. I did. I talk to her, I comfort her, and I care for her. I'm there for her.

But instead, I come back to our house with the den in ruins. It's late into the night and I drop the groceries on the floor. There are vases shattered on the floor, paintings thrown about, and the coffee table is overturned. I find her on the floor, eyes blank and her lip quavering.

"Hey," I whisper. "Katniss, hey." I go down on one knee and my eyes are on hers.

"I'm sorry, I – I did it again," she stammers, her eyes darting back and forth. "I'm so —"

"We can fix it," I say, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We can buy new ones, it's all right."

She throws her arms around me and buries her face in the crook of my neck. I lift her off the floor and notice her legs have cuts from the vase shards. I carry her into the bathroom and sit her on the toilet before I begin pulling off her pants. She is silent as I clean and nurse her wounds.

After I tie off the last bandage, she follows me to our room. Our beds are arranged how they were in District 13, ironically. She settles into hers and I watch her as I lie in mine.

"Thank you," she says after a moment before closing her eyes.

"No problem, Brainless," I say and we drift asleep.

The next morning, I rise early before her to sweep the debris off the floor.

_But time is on your side, it's on your side, now  
Not pushing you down, and all around  
It's no cause for concern_

It's been a few weeks since we came back, and nothing's changed. She still has her episodes and occasional breakdown, and I don't know what to do. I cook for her, I take her out to her favorite spot in the forest, I give her rope to tie in knots like Finnick, I do things to help her forget. And all I get is that distant look in her eyes every time I try to get something out of her. And it scares me.

_Come on, oh my star is fading  
And I see no chance of release_

She was smiling and laughing more often. I thought she was getting there, I thought she was finally coming around. Then this happens. Of course. Everything I ever work for always blows up in my face anyway.

I love Peeta. I do. He's my friend. I care about him. We had adjoining cells in the Capitol, we're very familiar with each other's screams, blah blah fucking blah. But he has the worst timing known to mankind.

He's moving back to District 12 in the house across from ours with _Delly_.

I try to keep her away from the windows all day to (hopefully) prevent her from seeing him. But it won't matter because he comes knocking at the door anyways. And I would be upstairs when it happens.

I hear the door open and I distinctly hear him say her name. And I also hear the silence which tells me Katniss either fainted or the flood gates are threatening to burst. Either way, _shit_.

I rush down the stairs and he meets my eyes with a smile. "Hey, Jo."

Standing behind him is Delly.

Katniss is standing at the door, unmoved from when she opened it. My eyes trail down to Peeta's hand, which is entwined with Delly's.

"He-e-ey, Peeta," I drawl, gently pushing Katniss behind me. "Now's not a really good time." My eyes flick towards Katniss and he immediately understands.

"Oh," he says, his eyes not meeting mine. "Er, we just wanted to stop by and say hi. We're moving in across the street."

"Glad to hear it, kiddo," I say, cocking my head and forcing a smile.

"Yeah, well… we'll be seeing you," he says, before letting go of Delly's hand and leaning towards my ear. "_I'm really sorry_," he whispers sincerely before taking Delly's hand and turning towards their house.

Delly glances back towards me and says, "'Bye, Jo."

I smile at her before shutting the door. I turn towards Katniss and the look in her eyes rips me apart.

_And I know I'm dead on the surface  
But I am screaming underneath_

I wrap my arms around her before the sobs begin. Her knees give out and we crumple to the floor against the door. My hands are in her hair and her tears soak my shirt. Her hands grip my shoulders, hanging on for dear life.

_And time is on your side, it's on your side, now  
Not pushing you down, and all around  
No it's no cause for concern_

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**Katniss's POV**

_Stuck on the end of this ball and chain  
And I'm on my way back down again  
Stood on the edge, tied to the noose  
Sick to the stomach_

I'm glad Jo's not here right now. I don't want her to see this. The rope is nice and taut on the branch, and I give it a tug before pulling the noose over my head. _A rope necklace_. Lovely.

I was getting better. I saw it in Jo's eyes. I saw them light up whenever I smiled. She knew it. But across the street? He has no clue what he's done to me.

**Johanna's POV**

You're an idiot. A fucking idiot. Leaving her alone in this emotional state? What good has come out of leaving everyone you love alone?

Oh, sure, it was just a jog, but you forgot your house keys. But the door was already open when you came back, and there's nobody inside.

I search through all the rooms, in the closets, and under the beds. But the house is empty. I come off the last step on the staircase when I notice the rope she had been tying is gone from the kitchen table. How could you be so stupid? The reason you came back with her to District 12 was to prevent this from happening in the first place.

"Shit," I say to myself. I know where she is, and I really hope it's not too late.

_You can say what you mean  
But it won't change a thing  
I'm sick of the secrets  
Stood on the edge, tied to the noose_

**Katniss's POV**

What am I waiting up for, anyways? Peeta's with Delly. Prim is somewhere better, along with my parents. Finnick's somewhere better. Even Buttercup is probably somewhere better. Sometimes I wonder if Gale has followed them. But where am I? I'm in this hellhole and the only way out is wrapped around my neck.

I remember when Peeta came by while Jo was out. The memory is a blur, but I distinctly remember us at the kitchen table, him holding my hand and saying, "I'm sorry it turned out this way."

Yeah. I'm sorry, too.

I take a deep breath and step on the crate.

He loves someone. He loves someone. He loves someone, and _it's not me._

Faces flash before me. I see my mother's face after my father's death. I see Marvel from District 1 crumbling with an arrow in his neck. I see the life fading out of Rue after I sing her the Valley Song. I hear Clove screaming for Cato. I see Cato's mangled body, his eyes pleading for death. I see Gale being whipped in the town square. I see Cinna being beaten by Peacekeepers. I see Mags running into the fog. I see Mitchell stepping on the pod. I see the mutts tear Finnick apart. I see all the explosions, I see every bullet fired, every innocent life taken. I see Prim, her mouth forming my name before the parachutes go off. Then I see him, his mouth curled in a smile as he's walking with her. She leans her head on his shoulder and I see their fingers intertwine before he leans down for a kiss.

It's simple, really. I step off this crate and join them in the better place. But I remember a face I haven't seen. It's hers. I imagine with she's doing right now.

Then I realize what she's been doing the entire time. She's been with me. She's been helping me. I'm probably the last person she would expect to be spending her days with. I remember her big brown eyes before the tears well up in mine.

There's the sound of a branch breaking. My head jerks up and I realize that it was a deer. It glances in my direction before its head jerks towards the opposite direction before it bounds off.

And then I see her. Johanna. Her face is partially hidden in the shadows and she steps out. The sun hits her face and I see the light shine through her irises.

My mouth is hanging open as she makes her way towards me. A part of me tells me to kick the crate away right now before it's too late, but another tells me to stay put.

And I do.

She takes out a pocket knife and uses the serrated edge to saw the rope before pulling it from around my neck. She lifts me off the crate before I even realize what's happening and kicks it away.

And then her hand is in mine as we're trekking back to the house. She doesn't let go until we're in our room and she's changing me out of my clothes.

She tucks me into bed. It's the middle of the afternoon but I don't mind. Her hand reaches past me and shuts the curtains. Then she leans in close to my face and says, "Don't ever do that again." And she swiftly turns away and starts towards her bed.

"Johanna?" I sit up in bed. My throat is dry and my voice raspy.

She looks back at me and I realize she's waiting for me to speak up.

"Can you…" My eyes flick towards the bed and I scoot to the left.

She sighs knowingly before crawling under the sheets with me. Her arms are around me and it hits me. She saved me. _Don't ever do that again_. If I was gone, who would be left for her? How would she cope? If she went down my path, who would be there to stop her?

And my arms are around her waist and it's me. I should be there. Because one way or another, I need her. And she needs me. Because beneath our bravado, we both know we can't be in this world alone. Because she saved me — multiple times, to be honest. And one day, I will return the favor.

_And you came along and you cut me loose  
You came along and you cut me loose  
You came along and you cut me loose_

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**Please review! :)**

**Song: Amsterdam by Coldplay, from the album _A Rush of Blood to the Head_.  
**


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